OF HELP
THOUGHTS
Through time I'm planning to make this page more user friendly.
The first step has been to number, rather than date the Thoughts below.
The thoughts on this page come out of my desire to connect with people where they're at, and encourage them to take another step forward. Therefore I'm attempting to enter the "bad" days, "skewed" thoughts and "turbulent" emotions, and encourage readers to continue on their journey.
I have discovered that knowing that others feel the same way I do can be extremely encouraging. I hope these thoughts encourage you in your journey.
Please send any feedback to jtbm05@gmail.com
There are 78 "Thoughts" on this page, written between August 2005 and March 2007.
Please explore.
"THOUGHTS" TOPICS
| 1.
050822 We’re successes 2. 050916 Very dark days 3. 050923 Self honesty 4. 050930 Continuum – well to psyche institution 5. 051007 Denial as valid coping mechanism 6. 051014 Self-care or pushing through – a personal touch 7. 051021 Trust 8. 051028 Laughter – therapeutic 9. 051104 Strength based strategies 10. 051111 On the outer 11. 051118 Difference 12. 051125 Shame 13. 051202 Being an outcast 14. 051209 Self-destructive behaviours 15. 051216 Secrets 16. 051223 Memory triggers 17. 051230 Strained family relationships (post Christmas) 18. 060106 Being believed 19. 060113 Joy box/ truth box 20. 060120 Lapses 21. 060127 Overwhelmed by emotions that have no words 22. 060203 Hopelessness and powerlessness 23. 060210 Triggers that destabilise us 24. 060217 Positive self-image vs negative self-image 25. 060224 Small steps 26. 060303 Overwhelming challenges 27. 060310 Questioning the internal messages 28. 060317 About people who put you down 29. 060324 Weight 30. 060331 Eating and self-care 31. 060407 Goals 32. 060414 Failing 33. 060421 Being understood and feedback please 34. 060428 Make-overs 35. 060505 Change and self-acceptance 36. 060512 Self-harm 37. 060519 Deeply ingrained messages 38. 060526 Knowing 39. 060602 Effect of emotions on what we know 40. 060609 Process of fitting |
41. 060616 Depression 42. 060623 Food for your soul 43. 060630 Many causes for emotions 44. 060707 Objective reality 45. 060714 Effort vs Outcomes 46. 060721 Trust revisited 47. 060728 Turbulent emotions 48. 060804 Sourcing help 49. 060811 Isolation 50. 060818 Types of memory 51. 060825 Resilience 52. 060901 Locus (location) of control 53. 060908 Self-deprecation 54. 060915 Just do the best you can 55. 060922 Accepting yourself in the journey 56. 060929 Coping strategies 57. 061006 Self knowledge 58. 061013 Messed up lives 59. 061020 Waves of anger 60. 061027 Good/bad daddy 61. 061103 Vulnerability 62. 061110 Responsibility 63. 061117 Mum 64. 061124 Chilling out 65. 061201 Vulnerability/danger 66. 061208 Optimism 67. 061215 Family relationships 68. 061222 Choices 69. 061229 Despair 70. 070105 Insight into beliefs 71. 070112 In a fog 72. 070119 Friends 73. 070126 Dual diagnosis/causation 74. 070202 The internal war 75. 070209 Identification 76. 070216 Therapy/helping stages 77. 070223 Changing thoughts 78. 070302 The next step |
The next step. This is different for everyone. Sometimes a person's ability to trust is so damaged that it will take a year or more just getting to know them in a non-threatening way before they will open up, and then they are likely to open just a little to see if it's safe.
Finding out what a person's interests are is helpful and then if you share those interests or know people who do, invite them to participate in or join, eg. a craft group, tennis club, etc. In some areas there's also scrabble clubs and chess clubs.
I made the mistake once of moving too fast, and the person shut back down again, so I'm very aware that some people need lots of time and then any "sensitive" topics need to be approached in very non-threatening ways. Ideally, you leave it to the other person to begin to open up, rather than try to make it happen.
If you are a person whose trust has been abused so much that even opening up a little is extremely scary (perhaps terrifying would be a better word), then feel free to take it slowly, to wait until you feel safe before sharing anything. An option may be to ring Lifeline, where you can be anonymous and practice sharing there.
And if you feel no need to share at all, that's fine. Just relax as much as you can just being yourself.
77. Changing thoughts
Changing Thoughts. Aaahh!!! If I had all the answers here I would make a fortune. Some of our beliefs are deeply ingrained and many outside of our conscious awareness, yet they drive our behaviour and attitudes.
There are ways that our subconscious beliefs can be accessed and changed, but that isn't what I want to talk about today.
Changing thoughts begins with recognising we have a thought(s) that needs to be changed, then deciding what "truth" we want to replace it with. Then there are many ways to facilitate that "truth" being believed.
Some are:
Take one truth at a time and repeat it at least three times a day for three weeks, or longer if it doesn't "feel" like truth by then.
Writing a series of truths down and reading them whenever the old beliefs threaten to engulf you.
That's just a couple of suggestions to get you going. Recognise, though, that the false beliefs will "seem" much more true than the "truth" so it may seem as though you're telling yourself lies. It's fine to recheck your choice of "truth" but then just persist through all the resistance you're likely to feel.
76. Therapy/helping stages
Therapy/helping stages. If we think about this as being like physical illness and treatments then we can see more clearly the role that different people can have in our lives.
There is the person who makes you a cup of tea and has a chat. This won't cure the illness but it makes you feel better.
First Aid - stabilises you. This is like the ice on a broken ankle. It won't mend the break but it will enable healing to happen more quickly or ease the discomfort. I think love and acceptance are like this. It is like the first time you tell someone what happened in your life and they listen, really listen. You present your wound and they apply First Aid.
With abuse the levels of damage done to our psyche varies, depending on many factors, including the nature of the abuse, the amount of lies and secrets surrounding it, and our own temperament. Likewise, the recovery from the abuse may just involve the "medical" equivalent of a GP, or we may need to be referred on to a specialist, who may then refer you to the top specialist in the state, who may then refer you to ...
And there are ways that are still to be discovered that can help.
Don't underestimate the benefit of the "lower" levels of help - the friend who makes you a cuppa, the person who administers First Aid. Every part is precious in the journey towards health.
75. Identification
Identification. That is the point at which you say, "What? You too? I thought I was the only one." (C S Lewis quote). This is the main purpose of these thoughts - to put into words what people are feeling so they don't feel so alone.
It is the first step towards legitimising our experience, to move from the "It's only me." "I'm too sensitive." "If only I was stronger there wouldn't be a problem." to the "Ahhh! This is real - even if only to me and a few others - now I can move towards dealing with it."
Recognising/acknowledging what's real to us is crucial to the next step, which is questioning - questioning whether there is another way of looking at our reality/beliefs that could leave us feeling less gutted, less alone, less damaged.
Identification is that tiny glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel that let's us know there is some hope.
74. The internal war
The internal war. The reason I focus on the journey is because, the more I look into the complexity of the damage that can be reeked by abuse (most particularly Satanic Ritual Abuse), the more I realise that the journey will last far longer than any solutions.
I'm not saying that the journey isn't worth it, or that solutions aren't found along the way that alleviate our suffering.
Okay. I'll be upfront with you. Yesterday I read an article on "duplicity" or "Catch-22" or "lose-lose" - all refer pretty much to the same thing. I am feeling a little overwhelmed because I recognise there are parts of "me" at war with other parts of "me."
I'll just mention one, and you can generalise it to whatever is happening in your life. My example is trust/don't trust. The "trust" comes from a healthy desire to believe the best of people until proved otherwise; the "don't trust" comes from a need to protect ourselves from the pain that comes with trusting and being betrayed. The fierceness of the battle depends on how often and how deeply we've been betrayed.
If you're in the midst of a battle at present, ride with it as best you can, get whatever help is available to you, and do as much self-care as possible, eg. curl up with a book, sit in a park/at the beach - whatever will calm your mind, body and emotions.
73. Dual diagnosis/causation
Dual diagnosis/causation. Please remember as you read this that I am not qualified to comment on dual diagnosis. I am merely giving you my thoughts and hope they will be helpful.
In my case, I have "issues" as a result of my childhood experiences, but I also have present stressors - relating to family members who have autism. What I tend to do is try to relate my emotional responses to my childhood issues, when that is not the issue. There is usually not only dual causation, but multiple causal factors in why we respond as we do. By focusing on just childhood issues, I make it all about me (if only I could be better, more mature, have more insight etc) when it is not just about me.
What I am trying to get at here is that we can beat ourselves up so easily.
I also want to touch on dual diagnosis. It is hard to know when to pursue the possibility of dual diagnosis. To me, the primary diagnosis (which isn't an actual category) is childhood issues. Alongside this, there may be treatable conditions that can ease your suffering. For instance, childhood issues can cause a degree of depression, but the depression can go beyond being just caused by childhood issues and need to be addressed, perhaps with medication.
I am trying to find a way to describe the line I am trying to draw. As survivors of abuse we are used to emotional pain. Some may be inevitable and may go away with increased insight and coping skills, but some may have triggered an actual condition that needs treatment.
72. Friends
Friends. Some friends love you dearly, some friends love to help, some friends will listen to you and try to understand. All these friends are very precious.
But ...
It is very rare to find someone who can just sit with you when you're falling apart. Someone who doesn't need to try to find solutions, someone who doesn't try to "fix" you. Someone who just sits beside you, either physically or figuratively, eg. on the phone.
Today I had one of those days and I knew who to ring - my "Snot-Sister."
She is a very precious friend who had similar experiences to me.
If you can find such a friend, treasure her (him). If you can be such a friend, know that it is a very high calling. Never underestimate the value of your contribution to those you sit with.
If you don't have such a friend, know that it's valid to want one. Aim to grow so that you can be the friend you wish others could be to you. In giving out, you're more likely to receive what you need too.
71. In a fog
In a fog. I've heard depression described as a big dark hole without any light switches, or as a room without any doors. The depression I've experienced has been fairly mild (by my estimation) and I can best describe it as a fog.
I have great compassion for anyone suffering depression because even the mild form is pretty horrible. I've had times when I didn't care if I lived or died and just to survive I'd do mind-numbing things day after day, like playing solitaire or similar games.
I still have days when everything is just TOO hard. On those days I try to relax and do activities that I enjoy - let myself off jobs like balancing the budget etc. (perhaps an easy job for some but not for me.)
There are some very effective depression treatments available now, so if the depressed days recur day after day after day, and prevent you from functioning, there is hope.
I believe one of the keys is acceptance - self-acceptance and acceptance of the depression. This has enabled me to move towards solutions, rather than remain stuck. Even when the depression remains, I am less desperate within it.
70. Insight into beliefs
It is a new year, but I'm not going to talk about New Year Resolutions, because I think most of us resolve to do and be our best all year anyway.
Often change is not about more effort, but more insight.
Insight into what can and can't be changed. If you're a survivor then I'm sure you've heard people say "You can't change the past. Just move on." The events of the past can't be changed but the things we came to believe as a result of them can.
Those things include, "I'm worthless" "I'm cheap" "No-one will ever love me for me" "There must be something wrong with me to have been treated like that" "They didn't love me because I'm unlovable" "I can't expect to be treated any better than I have been in the past" etc. etc.
I believe that the intrinsic value of all human beings is equal. With that in mind, I encourage people to test their beliefs. Apply the same statements to someone you respect, eg. "No-one will ever love you for you." This can lead to questioning the accuracy of their beliefs about themselves.
69. Despair
Despair. I am tackling this topic today because I just received a phone call from a friend who knows someone who suicided on Christmas evening. The person was in a position where he needed to deal with his "issues" in order to restore relationship with those close to him. It appears that the "issues" seemed far too difficult to face.
If you are in a similar situation p-l-e-a-s-e reach out rather than take such a permanent step.
Where to reach out to? What will help depends on many things, but Lifeline is a great first step, ASCA (Adult Survivors of Child Abuse) is another, and AA if alcohol is part of the problem. Have a look at the Sources of Help section of this website for some contacts and my ideas about how to feel safe in counselling.
If you are suicidal please reach out. Depression is a huge factor in suicides, and is treatable. Please put suicide on hold - life can get better.
I want you to stay alive - very, very, very much!!!
68. Choices
Choices. We hear a lot about choices; about needing to make different choices in order to get different results. What I've found is that the choices I make need to seem right to and for me - need to fit with who I am. That's why I think attitudes need to change before (often long before) our choices will.
This process begins with questioning why we've made the choices we have, and what attitudes/beliefs are behind the choices. Then playing with ideas about how it could be different, should it be different, do I want it to be different, am I allowed to have different outcomes etc.
This is in the area of boundaries, and I've found in my life that it takes a long while to grow through all the questions that arise and changes that need to be made when we begin to entertain the possibility that we have the right to some boundaries, the right to choose what we say 'yes' to and what we say 'no' to. Sometimes the hardest part can be that we also have to respect other people's right to say 'yes' and 'no' as well.
This is quite a journey and I wish you well as you continue to grow.
67. Family relationships
Family relationships. I am in no way an expert in how to manage Christmas within families where there is underlying friction, but I want to give you a thought on how to cope.
It can be soul destroying - acting nice just to make it a good day, especially if there are children present; acting nice to try to force a "happy families" illusion into reality.
Perhaps the most you can do is to focus on the positive things about each person. I don't mean that you should deny the reality of the negatives, but just see if the negatives will sit contentedly on the backburner through Christmas.
I am sure you have discovered that your thoughts can tip both ways - to the positive and to the negative. Don't go so far as to push the reality of your situation and relationships into denial; just do what you can to be positive.
And I hope for miracles for you this Christmas - whether some healing in a relationship or just an increased capacity to cope with things as they are. May you be pleasantly surprised!!!
(See also thought of 30th December 2005 about Strained Family Relationships)
66. Optimism
Optimism. I think optimism is partly temperament and partly learned. I say this because there are many ways in which I am an optimist, yet I can feel SO down. Friends will say I'm an optimist, and they generally know those things.
I used to joke about whether I was a pessimist and life wasn't as bad as I thought, or whether I was an optimist and it really was this bad.
Of course, that is very simplistic, but it reflects how confusing life can be for survivors. Depending on the levels of deception, secrets and generally, things not appearing as they were, that we were exposed to, our capacity to assess what's what can be very compromised.
Oops!... so far this doesn't sound like a very "optimistic" thought, but I want to encourage you wherever you're at to make the most you can of each day. Some days you will catch a glimpse of your optimistic side; other days you'll be convinced you're a pessimist. Perhaps write down some descriptions of what you think is the real "positive" you - the optimist that tries to break through sometimes, and reinforce those positives as much as you can.
As I've said many times, we are all incredibly strong to have survived, so find ways to give yourselves credit for how you've coped. This is, I believe, a stepping stone for coping better in the future.
65. Vulnerability/danger
Vulnerability/danger. I don't know what the process of change will be in this area, but following on from my 'Thought' several weeks ago on Vulnerability, I have a growing sense of the connection between vulnerability and danger.
We were vulnerable children and our childhood was dangerous, so this connection is very understandable. But our inability to let down our barriers and become vulnerable in relationships inhibits our capacity to receive love.
I know that the process of change will include more crying - crying for the child who was powerless, not in a self-pitying way, but just letting the child in me cry now because she wasn't allowed, or didn't know how, to cry at the time.
I have known for years that within me there's what seems like a great reservoir of tears waiting to break out. I resist crying because I don't know if I'll be able to stop once I start. Experience has taught me that the tears, when triggered, don't last for as long or are as hard as I think they'll be, but I still fear that the next time will be different, worse. Sigh!!!
I think all we can do is grow at the pace we can manage, and be as kind to ourselves as we can.
64. Chilling out
Chilling Out!!! Sigh!!! Why is this so difficult? I don't mean sitting around doing nothing, or even a hobby. I mean chilling out internally, having a break from the things that drive us, from the fears - fear that I'll become lazy if I relax, fear that I won't be taking life seriously enough and that I'll plummet into meaninglessness, fear ... (many fears are emotions without any thoughts attached, that create anxiety that can't be mentally processed).
I think perfectionism is rearing its ugly head, driven by false expectations. Many people have told me, and I know it within myself, that I'm very hard on 'me.'
So, what would happen if I decided to chill out? I may just need to try it and see. I think I would seem lazy for a while, and why not? There is a toll that years of anxiety takes that it may take a good rest to recover from.
These are the concepts I'm playing with at this point of my journey. Whatever your current challenges, just hang in there, process what you can and sit as best you can with the rest. And always remember the first "Thought" lodged on this page - We are successes because we've survived.
63. Mum
Mum. I have a dream that pops up every now and then. In it, Mum is still alive and I've been neglecting her. In one dream, she'd been in a nursing home for four years and I hadn't written, rung or visited. I had a similar dream last night.
Now I'm not a dream expert, or anything like it, but there must be something in this.
In reality, I was more Mum's mum than she was mine, and felt very responsible for her wellbeing.
The message I get out of the dream is that no matter how much I did, or could have done, it wouldn't have been enough. But it puzzles me because Mum was not an overtly demanding person. She was needy because of mental illness, but not demanding. Somehow, this expectation of myself got in, but I don't know how.
As I process these dreams, I need to reassure myself that I did all that I knew how to do, that I couldn't have done more.
Perhaps the dream is revealing that there was a part of me that wanted to desert her, to not have the responsibility. Now there's a thought!!!
I've discovered over the years that, generally speaking, spending too much time thinking about my dreams gets me nowhere, but this time I think something has become clearer.
62. Responsibility
Responsibility. Sigh!!! This is a two-edged sword. We can want to avoid some responsibilities, while feeling overly responsible for other things. This may not apply to every abuse victim, but I think it is common.
Typically, as children, we were made to feel responsible for things we weren't meant to be responsible for - perhaps a parent's mood, perhaps supervision of siblings at too young an age, perhaps an adult's sexual needs. Some of us, as we grew into adulthood, became the person in the family that "held everything together" - a lot of families have one of those.
The other edge of the sword are areas in which we want to relinquish responsibility. Perhaps it manifests as, "Sure I lose my temper, but ..." or "I drink but I wouldn't if ..." or "If only ... then ..."
I think these come from having learnt that we can't control our environment, so we just rage against it.
There is hope, thankfully, as we learn about boundaries, which includes feeling able to say "No" as well as setting limits on the extent to which other people's behaviour affects us. There is a book called "Boundaries" that unpacks this concept, and well worth reading. I can't remember the authors' names.
Of course, it won't be just as simple as reading a book, but it's a start. I've found that learning boundaries is a long-term, ongoing process, but one well worth embarking on.
These issues can also be addressed with a counsellor you feel comfortable with.
61. Vulnerability
Vulnerability. I am in the midst of a huge growth spurt, the outcome of which I'm anticipating will be v-e-r-y good.
The realisation that I loved Dad has grown over the past week, and I have begun to accept this part of my reality.
It has opened up a minefield of emotion. Let's face it, love makes you vulnerable. Love is letting your guard down to allow another person to impact the core of who you are. I have done my share of crying, and anticipate there'll be more to come. My "rational" self hasn't been able to analyse what's happening beyond a rudimentary level, but I have a very real sense that another level of freedom will be the end result.
I have learnt over the years not to force myself back into denial when something is coming to the surface, but to run with it. The crying doesn't last forever, nor do the overwhelming emotions associated with it. It will pass, and chances are, life will be much better because of it.
60. Good/bad daddy
Good/bad daddy. Sometimes I am overwhelmed with a wave of sadness. It can be brought on by a fresh realisation of the losses we suffered. This current wave has been brought on by finding out more about Dad's family of origin and Dad from an uncle I hadn't seen for almost twenty years.
This has brought about a reassessment of some of the things I was sure of, eg. that the family of origin was very dysfunctional. It seems that Dad was a very stubborn, headstrong lad who could not be moved when he thought he was right. Now this can be a good trait, if it's used to prevent you going down roads you shouldn't, but can tip into being a bad trait when used to resist going down the good roads. This picture is certainly consistent with the "Dad" I knew.
I don't know why I'm sad. Perhaps that his headstrong nature would have brought him rejection from a young age. Perhaps, just perhaps, hearing these stories have made me realise that I really did love my dad and part of me feels sorry for him. Perhaps that's one of the hardest things we need to deal with - the love/hate relationship, the good/bad daddy. It is rare (I think) that everything in the parent/child relationship was bad. In amongst the bad there are usually some "happy" snippets. This in no way minimises the seriousness of what they did; it's just another part of the picture.
59. Waves of anger
Waves of anger. If you've travelled along the road of recovery for a while you will most likely be familiar with the concept of waves. Whether it's anger, rejection, frustration ... our recovery seems to come in "waves."
Our emotions have been settled for a while, then another wave hits.
An anger wave has just hit me. I'm unsure at present how to respond to it. Years ago, I learnt not to "shove it back down" but to ride with it, process what I can and wait for the emotion to subside.
I just told myself what to do with it, didn't I? Ride with it and process what I can.
The tricky thing is not to add fuel to the emotion. I've found that there's always something or someone I can attribute the emotion to. And I've found that what I attribute it to has rarely got a direct connection to whatever triggered the emotion in the first place. What we attribute the emotions to may be things we need to deal with, but we won't be able to deal with them while we're in the midst of heightened emotion.
In other words, the emotion can be related to our "buried" bits, hence the strength with which they're felt. We are likely to attribute them to things in our lives that have felt similar, but those things don't warrant such a strong emotional response.
58. Messed up lives
Messed up lives. I'm thinking today of people who struggle and struggle to survive, but keep ending up in difficult situations - be it a violent relationship, a very demanding relationship or relationships, struggles with alcohol or drug use, or just internal struggles with depression and despair.
You may not have thought that "that incident" when you were little is connected to your struggles now, but time and time again I hear stories of people who discover that "that incident" (or incidents) are driving their adult behaviour.
Why?
This is a complex area, so there may be many explanations. The one I focus on is the belief systems we adopted in response to the incident(s). For instance, if we believed we were (are) "dirty" and/or there's something wrong with us that caused it to happen, it's going to be very difficult to embrace positive relationships as adults, because deep down we believe we don't deserve them.
The list of destructive beliefs we may have adopted is almost endless, but some are: "I'm bad, dirty, the one at fault, shameful, worthless, powerless, helpless, not acceptable, unsafe, responsible for everything that goes wrong in my world, not worth the air that I breathe ..."
Beliefs can be changed, and this is one of the hopes of our journey, that we will learn to embrace what's true and reject what's false.
57. Self knowledge
Self knowledge. One of my biggest challenges is discovering who I am. I can be a confident extrovert OR a withdrawn, depressed introvert. I can love being around people OR just want solitude. I am talking about more than just different desires in different moods - even extroverts can enjoy SOME solitude and feel down sometimes.
There is the sense that there's significant parts of me still hidden, waiting to be discovered. This can make the journey very interesting, as we learn to identify our likes and dislikes, our strengths and our weaknesses.
If you're like me, you flog yourself to keep going, and expect yourself to cope with everything. It was only about six years ago that it dawned on me that I didn't have to like big shopping centres, and that I could avoid them whenever possible. This was SUCH a revelation. Of course, there's things we don't like but can't avoid (eg. preparing tax), but there are SO many things we can either include or avoid in our lives, depending on our likes and strengths. It's called self-care, or part of it anyway.
56. Coping strategies
Coping strategies. I think there are as many coping strategies as there are different personalities. We all find our own way to get by. Sometimes the strategies work quite well, with only minimal fall out - perhaps we are controlling but living with people who don't mind us managing their world for them; perhaps we self-sabotage but don't have any big plans anyway so we don't feel the losses. For many though, the coping strategies they developed to survive wreak havoc on their adult lives. What they believe they need to stay in control (coping) is the very thing that is causing their world to fall apart. Many things fall into this category, including misuse of drugs and alcohol, anger/frustration when losing a sense of control, or turning inwards and self-destructing. The coping method is, I believe, largely tied to your personality and temperament - hence some people with furious tempers and some with excruciating self-loathing and anywhere inbetween or both.
The first step is to recognise that the strategies you're using aren't working for you. Then develop some self-respect through recognising why you needed the behaviours (usually, in my opinion, pain management) and finally, look at more helpful strategies that don't ruin your life and the lives of those around you. Counsellors can be great at helping you walk through these steps, as can a very good friend, or both in combination.
Remember, your current coping strategies aren't a life sentence. There are ways through.
55. Accepting yourself in the journey
Accepting ourselves in the journey - this may sound basic, but how often do we think, "If only I was ...", and "When I ... I'll feel better about myself."
Now, don't get me wrong, it's great to aspire to be better than we are; to grow and mature. But, if we think we are less than a precious human being now, then I don't think any changes will miraculously change us into a precious human being in our own eyes.
Accepting ourselves as we are doesn't mean we think we have it all together. It just gives us some self-respect - respect for our intrinsic value as a human being, respect for how we've journeyed, even if the results haven't matched the effort.
Once self-respect is in place, we are more able to look at the issues that need to be addressed in a way that enables us to address them.
For more, scroll down to the first "Thought" I wrote - it's about us being successes, and I truly believe we are, because we found a way to survive. Once we can acknowledge that survival was no easy feat, we can feel better about how hard we've tried, and once we've lightened up on ourselves we can see more clearly how to respond to the problematic areas of our lives more productively.
54. Just do the best you can
Greetings. I'm thrilled that you've visited my website and I hope you find something here that's helpful. Please don't hesitate to email me with your feedback at jtbm05@gmail.com
I would love to hear your ideas about what can be included on the site.
I have had a very full week - travelled from Townsville to Melbourne, with some dramas along the way.
A couple of times I have settled to write this week's Thought but all thoughts are escaping me.
So ... my Thought this week boils down to this:
When you can't do what you expect yourself to do, just do the best you can at that time in those circumstances. Next week you may be able to do better, but for now, just surviving is great.
53. Self-deprecationFriday 8th September 2006
Self-deprecation. How often do we do this? We don't cope as well as we perceive other people are coping so we feel inferior; we make some "stupid" mistake because we've never learnt any better and call ourselves stupid; we have negative behaviours we can't overcome and call ourselves weak.
I'd like us to look at this a different way.
As we grow up, and throughout adulthood, we learn skills. When we come from dysfunctional families or/and are in them, there's coping skills we don't learn because the people around us haven't learnt them either. Nobody is modelling the behaviours we need to learn to be able to cope better.
So, when we aren't coping, making "stupid" mistakes and battling behaviours we are unable to overcome, if we can think in terms of skills rather than weakness or stupidity, we're more able to move forward.
And, as well as not learning productive skills, we have usually learnt many unproductive ones that need to be unlearnt. The main way to unlearn them, once you've identified them as unproductive, is to replace them with new skills.
52. Locus (location) of control
Locus (location) of control. Looking back now on my life as a mother, I see that I spent too much time beating myself up (as I think is common for mothers - abused or not). For instance, two of my children experienced learning difficulties. Rather than accepting this at face value, messages like, "If you read to them enough they'll learn to read" etc. swam round and round in my head, and I concluded that, while I read to them, I obviously didn't do it enough. I could not see their learning difficulty as just an objective fact that needed to be addressed.
I think the same dynamics are present for victims of domestic violence - an inability to see the facts objectively. I know that blame is usually placed on the victim and the victim often accepts the blame. It's not, he's beating me up and needs to stop. It's, if only I ....................... he wouldn't beat me up.
When you're used to feeling powerless, it's very easy to slip into a powerless role.
I studied "Introduction to Sociology" as part of a BA degree I didn't complete. Internal and external locus of control was discussed. It was the first time I realised, in theory at least, that with an internal locus of control I could manage my environment and the impact it has on me - in other words, choose my reaction/response. Until then, I really thought that life (and thoughts and emotions) just happen and all you can do is accept them. That was 1989 - it was a long while before I comprehended the concept enough for it to have an impact. My journey has been like that - accepting what I consider to be truth in my head, then slowly it trickles down into being my reality, with occasional 'light bulb' moments, when something establishes itself as reality very quickly.
51. Resilience
Resilience. This is the capacity not to stay "bent out of shape" by experiences life throws at us. The amount of resilience people have varies greatly, for reasons that are only now being thought about. Building resilience can be included in the recovery process. For instance, it is recognised that strong social connections provide people with greater resilience - they are more likely to cope with life's "knocks". Some people who have been abused have trouble trusting people, so this can be a challenge.
I think temperament plays a large part too. Through my early years, I seized every new opportunity with loads of optimism, even when I was almost crushed to a pulp by the current situation.
I guess underlying belief systems play a part in this too. If you believe that life can and should be better than what it is, then you'll be more likely to believe that the next opportunity before you will produce better outcomes than what has gone before. If you believe that life "stinks" and that no matter what you do, or what changes happen, things won't get better, then you are stuck in a pit of despair.
The latter is often connected with depression. When the depression passes the hope usually returns.
Other things that increase your resilience are: enough sleep, nutritious diet, and generally taking care of your physical and whole person needs. This can also be a challenge until you realise you are worth taking care of. I value every human being, including you. I think you're worth it.
50. Types of memory
Types of Memory. Often we think of memory as just involving the mind. While our whole system is governed by the brain, our manifestations of memory may not be felt there. Normally when we think of memory we think of it as 'a picture in my head' or something similar.
There's also emotional and body memory.
Emotional memory can be those overwhelming feelings that seem to come out of nowhere. Your mind isn't making any connections with a 'memory' but your emotional system is remembering something.
Body memory works the same way. From body tension to pain in certain areas - the body is manifesting something that our mind cannot access.
I just want to add a word of caution though. There can be physical causes of these manifestations that ought to be eliminated before concluding they are memory manifestations.
49. Isolation
Isolation. This is probably more common than we think, for we are ultimately alone. No one can really know us, just as we can't totally know ourselves. I find feelings of isolation come like a wave, swamp me, then ebb away. The trick is to not take them too seriously - it is so easy to sink into despair. Unless the feelings are associated with a depressive episode just accepting them and not taking them too seriously will help you ride the wave. If the feelings persist and nothing prevents you from sinking into despair, then consider the possibility of depression.
Perhaps talk to your doctor, if you don't have a counsellor at present, about this and any other symptoms. And, of course, if you have a friend you can trust, talk to them, and take time to care for yourself in ways you have learnt will help (unless, of course, you are in such a hectic stage of life that this is not possible. If you are in such a stage, see if there's any way of slowing the pace down, so you can do what's necessary for long-term coping. If there isn't, then just do the best you can to ride out the wave.)
48. Sourcing help
As I travel I meet professionals and gain some insights into what's available in the counselling arena. Today I'd like to encourage you to check out what's available in your area. A good place to start is Lifeline. This is an agency that, from what I've observed, knows what's available in each of their areas. As much as you are able to formulate questions, ask questions before booking a counselling session. And as much as you are able to identify issues you'd like to work on, take these to your first session. There's no need to overly define the issues - I've heard many times that the presenting issue is rarely the issue that needs to be dealt with. The main example given is money being the presenting issue. In my case, if you've read "Tell No Secrets" you'll know, being unable to orgasm was the issue. You can also refer to the Sources of Help section of this website for ideas about how to feel safe in counselling, and your right to feel safe. I wish you well for the next step forward in your journey.
47. Turbulent emotions
Turbulent emotions!!! It is hard to keep the brain in charge when emotions are raging. And there's no "one size fits all" advice I can give. Some people need to go for a run - trigger the "happy" chemicals in the brain. Others need to curl up with a good book and rest. For most of us, life is busy and time out isn't always an option. My advice is to avoid any unnecessary pressure and relax in the ways that your body and emotions respond to positively. Having said that, some people get through by staying busy, and perhaps even busier than usual. If you've found a way that works for you, just do it!!! If not, experiment to see what works. It may be different each time, but you'll get a general idea over time.
Ideally, we gain insight into why our emotions are all over the place, but often the reasons are elusive and we're best just managing the symptoms. Always remember, the turbulent emotions do pass and make the most of the settled times when they happen.
46. Trust revisited
I'll revisit trust this week. I am by nature a trusting person. The oft-repeated joke in my teens by my peers was how gullible I was - the downside of being trusting. So ... I don't think I have experienced mistrust to the extent that many survivors have.
Typically there are two responses to abuse in this area - one is to build very high walls around yourself for protection (or at least, an illusion of protection); the other is to have no defense against being hurt again, and again, and again ... In other words, no boundaries within which you can feel safe.
These are the two extremes and many survivors oscillate back and forth between the two. It is very lonely and isolating to live behind a high wall and from time to time, we think "stuff it. I can't live like this." So the walls are removed, but ... you can end up getting trampled on (again!!!)
If you imagine a pendulum you can conceptualise what's happening here. If you let go of a pendulum from one extreme it doesn't settle immediately at the centre, it swings back and forth. Finding healthy boundaries can be a little like that. In this particular instance though, the analogy falls down a little because being hurt (again!!!!) at either end of the spectrum tends to increase the swing of the pendulum and reinforce the belief that living on an extreme is the safest place to be.
I've heard the healthy middle ground described as having a fence around your life with a gate that you open and close. Then you can control what comes in and what goes out. Certainly sounds like the ideal but it can take a while to get there.
In the meantime you may like to try gradually coming out from behind the high wall, without knocking the wall down, so you can retreat when you need to. If you can, imagine how many locks are on the wall to keep people out, and see if that number reduces over time. Another measure is to see how long each peep out from behind the wall lasts, and see if that increases over time.
And remember, always enjoy each step forward.
45. Effort vs Outcomes
Effort vs Outcomes. Sigh!!! If we were rewarded for effort rather than outcomes I'm sure all abuse survivors would be smothered with rewards. We put SO much effort into living. We often try SO hard. Yet, we can have long periods where we seem to get nowhere, achieve nothing (or at least very little.) We can even feel like we're going backwards.
Why? My adequate response to that question would be too long for one "Thought." Some reasons, such as self-sabotage, are addressed in other "Thoughts."
I once heard that living with an abusive background is like being in a pool of water where, before you could swim or play or enjoy yourself in any way, you had to keep a series of corks submerged. So much energy is expended on pushing the corks back under the surface that none is left for living. What a great description of how many of us feel. The hope is that, as we pick up each cork, examine it and resolve the issues within it, the cork will then disappear.
This is also a good illustration of why the growing process can take so long, and is ongoing. If you can imagine, or have experienced, the process of looking at the pain in even one cork, then it's not difficult to understand why multiple corks are rarely dealt with simultaneously.
Even those who haven't been abused have corks. They may not contain as much pain or be as difficult to resolve but, given that none of us are going to achieve perfection, we must conclude that corks are a part of life.
Given that this process if lifelong, take time to enjoy each step forward, each resolved "cork", and the increased stability each step brings. I have found that growth is very precious and needs to be celebrated.
44. Objective reality
Objective reality. I used to think there was such a thing, and while there may be a few things that fall into that category, most of what we perceive of as "reality" is subjective. We attach meaning to what happens, what we think, and how we feel. For instance, if we are involved in a car accident (what happens) our subjective reality can be, "Isn't it fantastic I wasn't hurt, or hurt worse, or dead?" or "Isn't it bad that my car is written off," etc.(what we think) and we are either grateful or cranky (how we feel).
Then ... what does it mean when bad things happen to me (my car being written off)? Does it mean that "bad luck always comes my way," "I didn't deserve a nice car anyway. I should have known it wouldn't last," "I wonder what will happen next." And so we spiral into negativity.
And ... what does it mean when I feel cranky? Do I feel the world's out to get me? That no matter what I do bad things will keep happening to me? Oh, and by the way, that really pissed me off this morning when you ... (negative feelings may start with us but they usually turn on others before long.) It's a downward spiral into eventual depression or rage.
This area is where cognitive behavioural therapies come into their own. Recognising the role thoughts play in our lives, and realising that we CAN think differently. The challenge is that some of our thoughts are based on very deep-seated beliefs and can be very resistant to change. Just keep chipping away at them when you can though - it's not all or nothing, you can also weaken the impact they have.
43. Many causes for emotions
Many causes. While depression, anxiety, distorted thoughts etc. can be outcomes of abusive childhoods, it is worth checking for other causes.
For instance, depression may be related to recent events - traumas, exhaustion etc. While it is my personal belief that it's necessary to "rewrite" the messages our "little selves" received from the abuse, not all our current issues come from them.
What I'm trying to say is that sometimes the answer to our current distress is as simple as some good nights' sleep, or getting extra help during a very trying period.
Where the two inter-relate - current vs past distress - is that when we feel an emotion in the present it can tap into all the history of that emotion. That means we are likely to "fall" further than our non-abused peers when presented with identical stressors. Having said that, it can also be true that we don't fall as far because we are more accustomed to stress, and have developed a larger pool of coping strategies. Some of those coping strategies will help us long-term and some damage us long-term, depending on the "healthiness" of the strategy.
Whether you're dealing with past or present issues, remember the simple remedies - good amount and quality of sleep (if possible), some time for yourself (even if only snippets - may just be sitting while you have a cuppa instead of taking sips between other tasks).
And keep implementing whatever strategies you've found work for you.
42. Food for your soul
Food for your soul. What do I mean? If we compare our soul with our body, then we can see what I mean. The body functions on a mixture of food and drink in, and functioning out. Functioning can be exercise, but I'm thinking more specifically of it being able to respond to our "instructions" - concentrate, run, sleep, relax etc.
Now there is some overlap. While it's our body that concentrates, runs, sleeps and relaxes, our soul also contributes to the success of these functions.
If we are anxious, for instance, all these can be affected.
So, what is food for the soul? I think it is different for each person, but it's those things that enable us to concentrate, run, sleep and relax.
To concentrate well, you will need to be relaxed, at least to a certain extent, unless you function well on adrenalin, which can work short term but I doubt its effectiveness if overused.
To run, you often need to be either relaxed or anxious, depending again on adrenalin. For me, anxiety makes me want to curl up in a ball and hide; for some, it makes them highly energetic. You may enjoy the energy you get from anxiety - if so, it may not be an issue for you. Anxiety may be food for your soul at present, perhaps in a similar way to alcohol being a good short term response to anxiety, but there are long term dangers. But here I am talking more about a healthy desire to run, or walk, (for exercise) - what helps you to maintain the habit?
To sleep, ah!!! If I had an easy answer to that one I'd make a fortune. You may have identified things that help you to sleep. Feeding your soul means taking the time to do those things.
To relax, ah!!! again. My comments are much the same as for sleep - we are all individuals. The important thing is to know that it's not a "waste of time" or whatever other negative connotation has been attached to it, to relax. And, also, you can be relaxed while doing lots of things. Relaxation is not just passivity, it's more a state of mind.
Just in case all this feels overwhelming, remember all the "thoughts" about taking one step at a time. Change usually takes time. Pick something that's easy to change to start with, then success will build on success, as you make further small changes.
41. Depression
Depression!!! If you've survived childhood abuse you will most likely be familiar with depression. It is much more than just a hard day; much more than just a passing mood.
If you are feeling suicidal or just wouldn't mind being dead, chances are depression is playing a big part. The physical cause of depression is brain chemicals going awry. That's why anti-depressants can be effective is alleviating the symptoms.
I don't want to comment too much on this topic because it is a complicated area and many factors influence it. Yet how can I have so many "thoughts" on child sexual abuse without including depression?
Because depression is more prevalent amongst people with "problems" I'm concluding that the "problems" can cause the brain chemicals to go awry.
Anti-depressants won't solve the "problems" but they can help you to see the way forward and give you a better chance of dealing with them.
Throughout this "thought" I've used the word "can" frequently. For example, anti-depressants can help. There are many varieties of anti-depressants and it can take a little while to find the one that will suit you the best. Please don't be discouraged if results don't come quickly. There are also a few people that don't respond well to any anti-depressants. Perhaps a naturopath could help, or counselling alone without the help of medication. Finding someone to talk to is important, with or without medicinal help. Have a look at the Sources of Help section of this website for some options.
40. Process of fitting
Many people feel they are constantly going against the grain - not in step with the "rest" of the world. They are just "different". A sense of being different can come from abuse but not always. It can come simply from whether our interests and aspirations are consistent with what the society we live in expects.
I've found it very difficult to become "me" and I'm not there yet.
Ideally, as children we are socialised to fit (or adapt if we don't actually fit) into the society into which we were born, yet retain our sense of who we are as individuals. This is a very important process.
If it works well, then we can decide that, for example, we don't want to be "prim and proper" because it drives us batty or conversely, that lack of manners drives us batty and we prefer being around "prim and proper" people. In other words, we find our place in society, as long as the appropriate opportunities come our way.
If this process is corrupted we can spend a tremendous amount of time and effort wondering where we fit and/or trying to fit, and we can lose ourselves in the process.
Feeling like this is far more common than we realise - we are not alone, but we all feel alone. Knowing there's other people on the same journey helps me. I hope it helps you.
39. Effects of emotions on what we know
Effect of emotions on what we know - sigh!!! I think you'll all know what I mean. There's nothing like those "triggers" to upset our equilibrium, even send us into a panic at times.
Something around us, and often we don't know what, tells us that all is not well, that danger is lurking. Of course, our emotional system responds accordingly, while our mind is left thinking, "What on earth was that?"
Sometimes we can identify the "trigger" but most of the time we can't. Our emotional response can be very difficult to ignore, but once we establish that there is no "present" threat that we can identify, it is time to move on as best we can.
We'll all do that in our own way. Perhaps by having a rest, perhaps by throwing ourselves into an absorbing activity to distract ourselves, perhaps by going to your Joy or Truth Box (see Thought 13th Jan 2006) for reminders of what you believe to be true.
Please remember though that these emotions will pass and you will be alright.
38. Knowing
KNOWING. There are times when we are so sure that we know things - it wasn't our fault etc. Yet it can be s-o easy to slip from KNOWING into doubting and even into fully believing the opposite - we were to blame, we should feel ashamed etc.
KNOWING - deciding in your mind what you believe is an important part of the healing journey. It is when the knowing is fully established in the depths of your being that the to-ing and fro-ing between knowing, doubting and believing the opposite of what you usually know, will cease.
This sometimes comes in an instant - "the penny drops" - and sometimes comes gradually. If you've already noticed that the length of time between detours into the negative getting longer, be encouraged. As more issues come to the surface to be dealt with do all you can to establish the "truth" concerning them. Remind yourself often what you believe to be true. This is the way to weaken the lies. And remember to take great delight in every "penny drop". They are very precious moments.
37. Deeply ingrained messages
Deeply ingrained messages!!! You know, those messages we think we've dealt with, ousted, replaced with better messages. Yet, all it takes is a trigger and they're back.
What can we do?
If you believe in God, I'd encourage you to just come to Him - if you know that you can. If you feel you can't then I hope you can find someone who can pray with you and/or talk to you about God's willingness and eagerness for us to come to Him just as we are.
If your experience and/or teaching and/or faith perspective has taught you that God is not approachable, I am not going to preach to you here, but encourage you to question what you believe.
I know from experience that God can deal with deeply ingrained messages. I also know that we're not always ready or the time isn't always right for reasons we're unaware of. I have made a habit of just committing myself to God in whatever state I find myself - yet there's times, for whatever reason, that I keep my distance - not quite trusting God enough to come close.
If you don't believe there is any god at all, and even if you do, continually challenge and assess the accuracy of the thoughts and feelings that pop in unannounced. New ways of thinking can take a long while to become established, but the encouraging part is that the time between "triggers" usually lengthens and the strength of the reaction weakens.
Just beware though - a very strong reaction to a trigger can occur after a long period of respite. This doesn't mean you're back to square one - just that something's bubbling up that wants to be dealt with.
36. Self-harm
Today I want to mention my thoughts on self-harm. Apart from generally not looking after my body as much as it deserves, this hasn't been one of my coping mechanisms, but I suspect the underlying cause is the same for many abuse survivors, whether self-harmers or not.
We've all needed to find ways to manage the pain and we have all developed ways of coping when the pain bubbles up and refuses to be contained. Self harm, I think, is an attempt, however unsuccessful, to release the pain or at least create another source of pain to distract us from the real pain.
I can only imagine how you're feeling when you engage in self-harm, and I'm cautious about speaking about it because it is outside of what I've experienced. But I have felt pain.
I hope you will find someone you can talk to you - whether a friend or a professional - and that you'll feel safe with them.
There's some other "Thought of the Week" entries that will express what I think better than repeating anything here. See 7th October 2005 on "Denial", 22nd August 2005 on "We're successes" - very important one, 30th September 2005 on "Continuum" and 27th January 2006 on "Overwhelmed by emotions that have no words."
I hope that you won't feel so alone in your struggle through reading these entries.
35. Change and self-acceptance
It can be hard to figure out how many issues in our lives to tackle at once. There is no easy answer. Sometimes we are really ready for change and at other times, even small changes are extremely difficult. If it is crucial that the changes happen NOW, eg. to save a marriage, other relationship or your own life, then you will most likely need the guidance of a counsellor or wise friend. It is hard to work out, from within our turmoil, what and how to change. And sometimes it turns out it is not us that needs to change. We may just be surrounded by unreasonably demanding people.
If you feel you need to be perfect to be accepted or to feel okay about yourself, then no amount of being treated well by other people will make you feel accepted because you aren't acceptable to yourself. Think about where that message came from and challenge it. It is not true!!!
34. Make-overs
I am really big on taking change one step at a time. However, some of us are "total makeover" thinkers and take on bigger battles. I'll let you know how I go but I'm planning big changes when we settle at our next stopover. I am going to exercise - yes, by nature I'm a couch potato and would rather use my mind than by body, and I am going to change my eating habits. I have guarded against being overly zealous - setting goals that are so high that I'm doomed to failure. And failure management is built in - just get back up and continue on. Perhaps that's the way to approach our lives as a whole - accept some failure as inevitable and keep getting up and continuing on.
33. Being understood and feedback please
It is common for us to look at people who are further along the road to recovery and believe they don't understand where we're at.
In some ways, they don't. Everyone is unique and so are their journeys.
That is why I love feedback ... please email me at jtbm05@gmail.com so I can learn to see the issues I discuss more broadly. I won't be able to answer emails personally but I will read them all.
As you journey towards further recovery, you will oscillate between feeling totally alone and being thankful for the people you know that you can talk to; sometimes both at once.
It can be hard to balance life's negatives and positives.
My advice:
Make the most of feeling positive.
ALWAYS remember that feeling negative doesn't last forever.
As much as you are able, identify the things that are likely to pull you out of the negatives and keep you in the positives, remembering that even the most well balanced people have journeys into negative feelings from time to time.
32. Failing
Failing. Now this really is a fact of life. From what I've heard all successful people have periods of failure.
You may have heard the saying, that you're not a failure when you fall, you're a failure when you don't get up again.
Now, I ask you, who has more experience getting up again than us - victims of abuse? No matter how crudely we're surviving, we're surviving. We're up for another round of the fight.
Sometimes the fight can seem to never end. "Not something else!" is a familiar cry, when just after we've gotten up something else knocks us down.
So often, we believe that the reason we are falling is because we're not good enough, smart enough, strong enough, ...
Sometimes the falls are just a part of life - eg. it's not only abuse victims' washing machines that break down and flood the house.
Sometimes they are caused by lack of skills - eg. budgeting chaos, relationship chaos.
But ... we fall harder than most people because we believe lies. We think we should know more than we do; we think if only we tried harder this wouldn't happen; we think ... any number of things that make us feel that the things that go wrong are our fault.
I want to encourage you to keep looking at the underlying beliefs that are driving your responses, keep challenging them and replacing them. One way you can do that is to choose a friend or anyone you admire - then ask yourself what you'd think of them if they did the things you do. Chances are you'd be far more understanding and forgiving than you ever are with yourself.
31. Goals
Goals ... are very useful. They can help us achieve the things we want to in life. Long term goals are made up of multiple short term goals, and we won't achieve the long term ones without achieving the short term ones.
That seems to be a fact of life.
When we've been abused and are still feeling hopeless and powerless, we can believe that we can't achieve the goals we'd like to set for ourselves. And, of course, we don't want to fail, do we?
Next week I'll write more about failing. For now, I'll concentrate on goals.
While we are still feeling hopeless and powerless our steps forward can be very small, but at least they can be in the right direction. I can't say what the first step will be for you, but perhaps the first goal could be listening to your self talk. You may like to write down what you are telling yourself, eg. "You'll never amount to anything," "You're stupid."
You'll soon see why you are feeling hopeless and powerless.
Then the second goal could be choosing one of the things you tell yourself, and begin to question its validity.
After you discover that a belief is not true, you can begin to think about what is true and start believing something new.
Not everyone who's been abused has difficulty with goal setting, but I'm sure there's many of us who do.
30. Eating and self-care
Several years ago when I was seeing a counsellor - a necessary but stressful experience - he asked what I was going to do for the rest of the day.
I said, "I'm going to buy KFC for lunch."
He said, "Good."
Another time there was a particularly stressful book I was reading (for my own good). My counsellor asked how it was going.
I said, "I managed to read some while eating a packet of CCs."
He quipped, "Yeah, a little bit of honey helps the medicine go down."
Before you start thinking that I should have changed counsellor, I must tell you that I had a hard time letting myself get away with anything short of perfection. Being given permission to do things that I thought were 'bad' was disconcerting, but in the long run liberating, AND it didn't lead to my eating KFC or CCs in greater quantities than ever before.
The counsellor's two comments got me thinking. Sometimes there's self-care that goes beyond healthy eating. Oh, I know, IDEALLY we implement self-care within a framework of healthy eating and an overall healthy lifestyle. BUT often abuse victims don't have those parameters in place and to work on that at the same time as working on abuse issues is asking too much.
My advice - aim for a healthy lifestyle, but when you don't achieve it, don't beat yourself up. If you are dealing with abuse issues then take care of yourself as best you know how - if that involves adding a few kilograms in the short term, so be it.
29. Weight
Weight - I can imagine many sighs. While people I've met who have been abused come in all shapes and sizes, sometimes we use eating to comfort ourselves; to try to soothe the disturbing emotions, to feel better. I'm definitely not saying that being overweight means you eat too much - that is too much of a blanket statement, but I've had times when I've had a voracious "emotional" appetite and at those times, I've been amazed at how much I can eat in a day. This rarely happens now.
I've found that there's been times when I could tackle weight loss and succeed, and there's other times when it all seemed too hard. I have never been able to figure out how to psyche myself up for weight loss.
I decided, about fourteen years ago, not to diet again. Any changes in eating habits had to be permanent or not at all. Since then more weight has crept on, but the experts say yo-yoing is worse for your health than staying overweight. So, until I develop enough good habits to lose weight, I'll remain overweight.
If I focus too much on the need to lose weight I feel an obsession coming on, so I keep it on the agenda in the back of my mind and hope my excess weight doesn't cut my life short.
We often need to pick our battles (too many to tackle all at once) and for now, weight is not a battle I'm going to fight.
28. About people who put you down
Many of us have been on the receiving end of insults and put downs. I've concluded that those who speak negatively say more about themselves than the people they talk to or about.
Why does someone need to put another human being down?
Have you heard about the invention of the pedestal? To make yourself feel better (superior) you dig a hole to dump someone in. You then make a pedestal from the pile of dirt to stand on so you'll be above (superior to) the poor person you've dumped (put down) in the hole.
A bit sad really. Fragile egos just trying to survive the best way they know how.
So, next time you encounter a "put-downer", don't get roped in, don't get upset, just feel sorry for them.
27. Questioning the internal messages
Impressions, thoughts, beliefs ... if they negate your preciousness as a human being, question them.
If they tell you that you're worthless, useless, stupid etc, think about when you first felt that way. This isn't always possible, but if you can identify what triggered the belief, you can start to question its accuracy.
For example, if, whenever your father arrived home drunk he yelled, "Get out of my way, you stupid, good-for-nothing pest," then the belief that you ARE worthless, useless and stupid could have been established.
Question whether the opinion of a drunk man, or anyone else who puts you down,is worth trusting, and start building your beliefs on more reliable sources.
Unfortunately, for many of us, those who put us down are within our families and are people who claim to love us. I'm not saying it's easy to find reliable sources, and it may only be in a good counselling context that you can begin to learn to distinguish those whose opinions you can trust from those you can't.
26. Overwhelming challenges
Challenges - life is full of them. Facing these challenges can be overwhelming. How often have you wanted to run away? Or have the people/things central to a particular challenge just go away?
There are times when life is full of overwhelming challenges. During those times just getting by is a big achievement.
But when the main pressure is off it is worth taking one challenge at a time and, with a friend, a counsellor or just by yourself, think about what changes (in how you think or how you respond) would result in a much better outcome.
During this process you may feel that it's all happening too slowly, but change is often like that, as I often say. One challenge at a time, or even one aspect of one challenge at a time, and over time, your ability to cope with life's challenges will increase.
And, while life is mostly the accumulation of small steps, every now and then you may take a giant leap - and you'll be so surprised. It's a delightful feeling. Make the most of it.
25. Small steps
A friend emailed, telling me some advice she'd received from one of my sons that helped her immensely. It was, "Just do a little something each day to make tomorrow better."
When we think of change, we often think of a major overhaul, rather than a slow renovation.
A few years ago I joined a Lighten Up group, run by the local Community Health Centre. It was a food and lifestyle information program, rather than a diet program.
What they encouraged was to make one small change each week, then reassess and either go on to another small change or modify the one already embarked upon if it wasn't manageable.
For example, if you were to go from drinking virtually no water to wanting to drink two litres a day, you may find that too difficult and need to break it down into smaller increments - perhaps have a drink of water with each meal, then increase it sometime later.
I have heard a couple of accounts of how long it takes to establish a new habit - between 21 and 30 days - so if the change is more challenging than simply drinking more water, allowing more time before introducing further changes could be a good idea.
And, when you fall back into old habits, get up as quickly as you can, brush yourself off and give it another go. Failure isn't about not falling; it's about not getting up.
Finally, if you're down and not getting up, find someone to talk to - can be a friend or a professional. Just talk to someone. Being immobilised doesn't have to last forever.
24. Positive self-image vs negative self-image
I really encourage people to develop a view of themselves that is independent of what others think. What do I believe about myself, my value, my rights etc?
This is something you get better at as time goes on, or more accurately, developing a positive self-image is something you get better at as time goes on.
We are very good at believing our actual self-image over what others think. For example, you have progressed a long way towards believing positive things about yourself, or you think you have. You have received countless messages from others reinforcing your positive self-image and then along comes someone who criticises you (not constructively) and wham!!! All those beliefs you've fought so hard to overcome flood back in and you feel dreadful.
What's happening is that part of you still believes the negative self-image, and at times believes it very strongly.
I've found this is something that gets chipped away at over time. You need to, as often as you can, reinforce the new positive self-image messages, while disputing the negative ones when they rear their ugly heads.
Your negative self-image may be stubborn, but it can be changed. Stick in there.
23. Triggers that destabilise us
I think we all have things that can turn our world upside down. Feeling unwell does it for me - I get negative and confused. Things I am so certain of when I'm well, I begin to doubt. I feel emotionally and spiritually unstable. Needless to say, I don't like feeling unwell.
I hope this changes as I mature, because ill health is often people's companion during their latter years and leading up to their death. I don't want to spend my twilight years negative and confused.
However, as I often say, change is a step-by-step process most of the time. Now that this is on my agenda I hope it will improve over time.
Life is one long learning experience and sometimes we can get fed up with it, but hey, life really is worth living even when we don't feel it is. It's times like these we need to pull out the "truth box" or the "joy box" I mentioned a few weeks ago.
And remember, one thing you can be sure of with a down or a bad mood - it WILL improve.
22. Hopelessness and powerlessness
Hopelessness and powerlessness. Oh my!!! Don't we know about those!!! They are very similar words but subtely different. Hopelessness relates to how I feel and powerlessness relates to what I can do (or not).
In childhood we were both. We felt hopeless because we were powerless to change our situation.
Hopelessness and powerlessness can continue to be experienced into adulthood and can be at the root of not being able to change either our past or current situation or how we feel about them. Why?
If we feel there is no hope, how are we going to embrace the possibility of change? If we feel powerless, how are we going to believe that we can make some changes?
We need to remember that hopelessness and powerlessness are not facts of life; they are beliefs that are developed in response to abuse.
I know how difficult it can be to step out of these beliefs, but it is worth it. You may need to support of a counsellor to move through this, but maybe just thinking it through and talking to a trusted friend will be enough.
As I often say, start challenging the beliefs that are in your head - many of them are the result of the abuse, and they don't serve you well.
And also, as I often say, it can be a slow, step-by-step journey. Don't be discouraged.
21. Overwhelmed by emotions that have no words
One of the most difficult things about working through our stuff is that we can be overwhelmed by emotions that can't be put into words. I often say to people, "If you can, find a friend you can talk to." But what about those times when there are no words?
I hope just knowing that those times are a normal part of the process may help a little. Just get through them as best you can, allow yourself to cry for as long as you need to, and you will return to adulthood, to the present, to a calmer state. Your stage of life may make it difficult for you to take time out to feel your stuff - you may not be free to take all the time you need. Just take the time you can.
The war may not be over, but one of the battles will have been won. Remember to congratulate yourself on the positive outcomes of any of those battles. Don't wait for the "when I'm all together" to happen - the hard times will decrease in frequency over time, and may eventually only happen occasionally. If we go really well, we may only experience the normal ups and downs that non-abused people live with.
Please make the most of every gain, every positive.
20. Lapses
Greetings!!! We can all have relapses into old ways of thinking and feeling. I've had a few relapses recently.
What used to happen is that I'd feel I was back at square one; that I hadn't progressed at all, and any progress I thought I'd made was a farce - that I'd just been good at pretending I was getting better.
Now I realise it's all just part of the deal, and when I relapse I know it isn't as much of a relapse as I used to think it was. It is just a deviation, a tapping into my remaining insecurities, my residual issues. Who knows why relapses happen? Perhaps they're brought on my some unknown "trigger", perhaps I'm fighting off sickness, perhaps I haven't been sleeping deeply enough, perhaps ...
The list can go on and on ...
And then there's the normal ups and downs that everyone experiences.
Perhaps we need to say to ourselves, "Just because I'm down today doesn't mean I'll stay down. Tomorrow is a new day and I may feel better by then."
Then if you have a "Joy Box" or a "Truth Box" (see last week's Thought), go to it - look, read and enjoy, or do whatever else will care for you until you're feeling better.
This is of course after all the essentials of life are done - like making sure the children are cared for etc. Sigh!!! Life can be a juggle, but look after yourself as well as you can manage, and if you have a friend you can talk to, give them a call. Perhaps do something together. We don't always need to talk, but we do always need to feel safe and cared for. If there's no-one ... email me and I'll try to make suggestions concerning what may be available in your area. Have a look at the Sources of Help Section of this website too. And remember, the doldrums don't last forever!!!
19. Joy box/ truth box
Barbara Johnson, author of "Stick a Geranium in your Hat and be Happy", recommends us having a JOY BOX, in which we place items (letters, magazine articles, pictures etc) that bring us joy. Then when we feel down, we go our our JOY BOX and spend some time experiencing the joy the items bring us.
I love the concept, especially for people who are primarily "feeling" people. For those of us who are primarily "thinking" people, I recommend a TRUTH BOX. Place in it all the positive affirmations you receive from people, or believe about yourself. When you start sinking into despair, thinking all sorts of negative things about yourself, bring out your TRUTH BOX and try to believe the positives about yourself.
One day, the positives will take over from the negatives. That's when you will r-e-a-l-ly believe them, instead of the negatives. It takes time, because those 'negatives' can be deeply entrenched, but keep chipping away at them and they'll slowly weaken.
18. Being believed
Being believed is SO important, yet so many things can work against it.
Who wants to believe that their trusted friend, partner, father, grandfather or uncle (or the female equivalent) is abusing their child?
Even if everything within you doesn't want to believe, please do it anyway.
Even if you think the child must be mistaken or lying, please believe them UNTIL it is proven that they are mistaken or lying.
Perpetrators rarely admit offences, so the message will be the same from perpetrators and non-perpetrators - "I didn't do it!!!"
It will be a very tough journey for you but one you must take for the sake of the child. Be sure to ask what's available to help you to get through this time, as well as what's available to help your child get through it. I hope you'll find the resources you need.
17. Strained family relationships (post Christmas)
Christmas is over and for many, there was no Christmas cheer - just strained relationships in families that wouldn't choose to be together if they weren't related. Superficial conversation. All trying to be "happy" because it's Christmas; all too scared to just be themselves because then there'd be no family. It wouldn't hold together without the facade gluing it together.
What to do? I really have no idea, except just do the best you can. If you abhor the facade, be as real as you can without being annihilated or obliterating others.
It can help if you acknowledge you're wearing a mask to survive. It validates the real you. "I am 'me' but on this occasion I'm choosing to wear a mask because I don't think 'me' will survive without it."
16. Memory triggers
Good memories; bad memories. How they're triggered is similar but that's where the similarity ends.
I've heard people say things like, "Whenever I smell roses I remember Grandma's garden and the great times I spent playing there."
Imagine, and many of you know, what it's like to have triggers that produce anxiety, shame, sadness, terror, confusion ... Often we don't even know what the triggers are. We just know that we go from being alright one minute to a blithering mess the next.
Slowly, over time, some of the triggers are identified and once we know them they lose most of their power.
Knives were one of my triggers. Once I knew that, I knew to look away if I felt a reaction coming on, and the reactions I still had reduced over time.
15. Secrets
Secrets!!! We can think that if we ignore something we can make it go away, but we find that the secrets don't go away. They manifest in our thoughts, emotions and behaviours as nightmares, panic attacks and outbursts of anger or other manifestations of our fear and rage; fear of our abusers and rage that such injustice was inflicted on us. We may not recognise the fear and rage but we know they're there because of their manifestations.
Have you tried and tried to overcome but to no avail? Perhaps it's time to tell the secrets, to unlock your hidden, inner places and begin the journey towards some healing.
14. Self-destructive behaviours
I thought about fear today when a lady spoke to me about the fear attached to having been propositioned in a park by a stranger. She read the back cover blurb on the book and said, "If that had happened to me I would have thrown myself under a bus."
And many do - perhaps not under a bus, but suicide by some means, or the slow suicide that comes from self-destructive behaviours that are often subconsciously adopted to somehow keep a lid on the fear, the pain, the turbulent emotions and the mental confusion that feature in the aftermath of abuse for many people.
Failure to overcome these self-destructive behaviours can be seen as weakness. How often do we say, "If only I was stronger ..." What rubbish!!! If you weren't strong you wouldn't have survived.
Yes, we need to take responsibility for ourselves and not be permanent "victims", but we often need to resolve some of the underlying issues that drive our behaviour before we can experience freedom from them. And along the way we need to pick up some self-respect; that we survived, however crudely, and that there is hope for us to do better and better and more importantly, to be better and better. Not effort, but resting in who we are and learning to like ourselves. This is a process - step by step ...
13. Being an outcast
Not all victims feel like outcasts, but we are more likely to. Following is an extract of a reader's email. I hope it helps you to know that there are other people who feel the way you do, and that you are not so alone.
Being an outcast: I tended to feel this way ever since preschool. At school, I used to make friends with the poor kids, the black kids and the kids in remedial classes. The popular people seemed fairly shallow and boring a lot of the time. Life is getting better but I still feel at times that I don't really belong anywhere. This feeling is certainly very scary but having the computer and internet has helped a lot; also the autism support group. I think loneliness and feeling disconnected from the community is a major issue in our society these days and you don't have to be disabled or disadvantaged to be affected either.
12. Shame
I haven't felt shame on the surface as much as most victims of sexual abuse. By nature, I am an anti-secret person so I talked about my abusers fairly freely. It may simply have been because there were people around me who would listen. I have heard so many victims say, "No one wants to hear."
Shame!!! Yes, very shameful things were done to us and we feel shame, but we need to stop, question and rethink. Who should have felt ashamed? Not us. Who was doing wrong? Not us. Who wanted us to feel it was our fault? Who wanted us to feel ashamed? Our abusers. Was what they wanted us to believe true? No!!!
It was not our fault. We have nothing to be ashmamed of. It can be a long journey to get our deep down parts to believe it wasn't our fault, and to end the shame we have gotten so used to living with, yet it's a journey worth taking.
11. Difference
Hi. I want to say a few more things about "difference" this week, because it can be so alienating.
This is because, for many of us, the feeling of being "different" emanated from our abuse.
It can be difficult to differentiate between the this negative "difference" and the positive "difference" that emanates from our uniqueness.
We are all one and onlys; even my identical twins are one and onlys. I am the only "me" and you are the only "you". This uniqueness is very good. You may have heard it said that the world would be very boring if we were all the same.
My sense of negative "difference" severely contaminated my sense of postive "difference" - my uniqueness. Learning to embrace who I am rather than an image of who I should be has been a very important part of my journey.
10. On the outer
Ever felt on the outer, as if you don't belong anywhere. This was my experience. Not quite normal, I think, is how I felt, as if there was something wrong and I didn't know what it was.
Whatever the reason behind it, and if you've read the book you'll know there were a lot of reasons, the feeling is the same for many of us.
Since my early adulthood I've gravitated to people who are on the outer. It just happened. It was the place closest to belonging that I could find. Yet even though I was around others like me, I still felt different and essentially alone.
Then in the mid 90s I realised that if I felt on the "edge", there must be others who felt the same way and I become more proactive in making friends. I went out of my way to encourage friendship, rather than just drifting along relating to whoever crossed my path.
Now I don't feel alone very often. Yet there are still times that no-one can share - the "deep" and "hard" parts of the journey. No-one can share them because they're the times when there are no words to describe what I'm experiencing. It is good to know that friends are there, and that helps, but they have their limits. Only our Maker can know us in our deepest parts.
If you're in the "deep" and "hard" stages of your journey, hang in there. Make the most of any support systems you have available, but don't be discouraged that you are alone in what you're experiencing. It is rather inevitable; yet you will get through it.
9. Strength based strategies
If you have read Tell No Secrets you will know of my struggle to identify what a balanced point of view was. I fell into the trap of minimising what I could do and maximising what I couldn't. The result was feeling like a failure most of the time.
In counselling, or in your reading, you may come across strength based strategies. My understanding of these is that we all have strengths and if we can establish a firm foundation built on our strengths then it is easier to strengthen the areas that are weak. It can be very powerful, and well worth exploring.
It involves looking at what you're doing right BEFORE looking at the challenges. We all have strengths and weaknesses and I don't think any of us can change when we're drowning in our weaknesses. We need a new way of looking at things.
I'm encouraging you to get a piece of paper and pen now. Begin writing a list of your strengths. Are there things other people say about you that are positive? Write them down even if you don't believe them yet. When people say something good about you write it down and keep it. Next time you're beating yourself up, have a look at what's written and try to believe that you're not ALL weak, not ALL failure, that there are many positive things about you too. And remember, weakness and failure are part of being human, not a crime.
8. Laughter - therapeutic
Have you heard about laughter clubs? At first they sound really weird - you don't have to feel happy; in fact you can feel really miserable, but if you laugh (yes, even at nothing; yes, even without thinking of something funny) 'happy hormones' are released in the brain that can make you feel better.
Obviously if you have a problem that is crying out to be dealt with it won't solve the problem, but it can help you to feel better.
I don't know about you but I've found it's much easier to see a problem (and its potential solutions) clearer when I feel calm.
Worth giving it a try. If you're wondering how to laugh when there's nothing to laugh at, then laugh in time the sweeping motion or washing motion as you sweep the floor or do the dishes. You'll feel like an absolute idiot so you may like to try it when there's no-one around, OR round up friends or family to do it with. With others there, it's easy to laugh because you laugh at how silly they look.
I tend to laugh easily and haven't gone out of my way to use this technique. I'd be interested to know if it works as well as they say it does. Please email me at jtbm05@gmail.com and let me know how it goes if you try it.
7. Trust
Trust - ah!!! That thing that is so difficult. With abuse, trust is a major area of violation, and learning to trust anybody or anything can be very difficult. And yet, in order to access sources of help outside of ourselves, trust is so important. See the intro to the SOURCES OF HELP section for some ideas about how to feel safe in the counselling context.
Counselling is not always helpful, particularly if you're not ready to embark upon it. See my answer to Q.3. in the Q&A SECTION about whether or not counselling is the only way to move forward.
Trust takes time to build and that's okay. Don't feel bad about needing time to build trust in anyone who will be inputting into your life. And remember, just because someone says something doesn't mean you have to take it on board. You have a choice, even with mental health professionals. You have the right to choose between:
a) Taking advice on board
b) Deciding it's not for you
c) Putting it on hold to perhaps consider at a later time
Having said all that, if you can find a counsellor you trust, their input can be very beneficial. There are many basic life skills issues that we've missed out on that can be rectified easily. You can choose to work on the presenting issues (the things you're not coping with now), rather than go back to previous trauma, even though they are often connected. My experience has been that the greatest relief comes from dealing with the original traumas, but ... If you're not ready to go there, don't.
Trust is such a big issue I can't do it justice in this short space. If you'd like to ask questions about it please submit them to jtbm05@gmail.com and they'll be responded to in the Q&A SECTION.
6. Self-care or pushing through - a personal touch
I am overloaded. I am sure everyone reading this will have times like that. We are in the midst of organising and packing ready to set off on our travels, and my daughter has her 21st birthday party in our backyard tomorrow night.
Yesterday I went to the doctor for my regular check-up before we leave town, and my pulse was working away at 117 beats per minute, and I hadn't even been exercising. I was feeling exhausted so went home to bed for the afternoon.
These decisions are hard to make - self-care or keep pushing through?
The exhausted feeling was one I've experienced many times in my life, but now at 51, I take my physical warning signs a bit more seriously. I'm inching up to the age where ignoring the warning signs could result in very unpleasant consequences, and thankfully I now care enough to look after myself (at least to this extent).
Today I am trying to move through the day in a relaxed manner - one task at a time rather than being overwhelmed by the 'list'. Tonight I'll reassess, and then tomorrow hopefully I'll be well enough to put in the effort needed to make the 21st party everything I want it to be.
Then Sunday and Monday I'll rest - just so I have the best chance of getting through the next few weeks' packing with my health intact.
5. Denial as valid coping mechanism
I have developed a new respect for denial as a coping mechanism following child abuse. This was consolidated during two counselling sessions in June 2005 (very close to the end of Tell No Secrets.)
The level of terror associated with re-experiencing early childhood abuse was beyond what words can describe. I was able to go there because of the quality of my relationship with my psychologist, who is also a friend, and some resolution resulted.
There are many places it's not safe to go unless you trust the person going there with you. Given that trust is one of the things we're stripped of when we're abused, for some, denial is the only viable option for managing the pain.
Then comes the time in many people's lives when denial no longer works, and new ways of coping need to be found. If this is where you're at, celebrate each 'good day' and each new breakthrough. It is worth persisting. The 'black hole' doesn't last forever.
4. Continuum - well to psyche institution
People who have been abused fall anywhere along a continuum - from coping well to not being able to survive outside of a psychiatric institution.
I don't think anyone knows what causes us to respond differently to abuse - possibly a combination of:
* the degree of trauma,including the degree of manipulation and threat within the trauma
* temperament variances
* the quality of life surrounding but separate to the traumatic experiences
* whether the child felt loved by non-abusive family members and significant others
* the extent of recovery (from within a person's own cognitive abilities and emotional constitution and/or from outside sources)
* whether or not abusive relationship dynamics continued into adulthood, reinforcing the original traumas
* many other factors
There are still many unknowns in this area. As much as I've sought insight into my own journey, I have no explanation, apart from God's involvement in my life, for why I've coped this well. I have the utmost respect for everyone who's been abused, no matter where they're placed along the coping continuum - I think we're all just doing the best we can.
3. Self honesty
I have found that honesty, particularly self-honesty, always brings relief. An example of this is found on p.185-186 of "Tell No Secrets." With a smile on my face, I told someone all about the abuse. She reflected back how horrible it was and I was finally able to accept, on more than a mental level, the extent to which I'd been abused. Instead of producing trauma, this brought relief. Confusion is one of the legacies of abuse. One of its causes is the conflicting messages we get from our body, emotions, mind and spirit. They all seem to hold separate realities. Each time more than one part agrees on anything (and I mean deep down agree) there is relief. Having said that, I won't pretend that it's easy to get our different realities to agree on anything. Just be very pleased each time it happens, because it is s-o special.
2. Very dark days
While I hope my book encourages you to keep going and keep growing, I want to acknowledge how hard
it can be during the down times – the times that make you wonder
if they will ever end – “very dark days” is what I call them.
I have no “magic” solutions to these times, except to encourage you to believe that the future will be better.
I could say, do something just for you, make sure you look after yourself etc, but the reality is that when you’re that far down,
you don’t care enough for or about yourself to do that. If you can manage to embrace something you really enjoy doing, do it.
If not, then just keep on keeping on as best you can, knowing that the down times don’t last forever.
1. We're successes
Many
words
have been used to describe
us – victims, survivors …
I would like to call us successes,
simply because we are still alive.
Too dramatic? I don’t think so.
How
many of us
have entertained death
as a way of relief, even if we haven’t been actively
suicidal?
And
how many of us have actively sought death as a way out of the pain?
I am glad you’re still here. Life is precious and you are
precious.
Start thinking of yourself as a success, because that is what you are.